Ends and Begins.

For the past year, I’ve been dating… well no not dating more like occasionally seeing someone. Someone who turned out to be at worst a sociopath and at best just a liar. I seem to have a type. I knew it wasn’t love but I at least thought that we were friends, in the end, no matter what I thought we were friends. I thought he would always want the best for me as I did for him, because I really did then, not so much now. It went on for a year and it was a cloudy haze of excitement, sex, and self-doubt… a lot of self-doubt. I don’t deal with that well because I’m not accustomed to it. I trust my gut. I go where my gut wants me to go and usually it works out. So this was new for me and it was not good.

It’s ended now though, and with it so has the doubting and the worrying. I have this problem where I care about the people I care about too much. I invest too much. I need to learn to be more careful because when I invest too much in people I shouldn’t it takes too much away from me and what is really important to me. I cared about him.

The last time we talked we fought. I was so angry but then he started in with the same old bullshit I’d heard a dozen times, and my anger turned to disappointment. I was expecting better. I thought he was better. I stood there staring at the cows across the street from the gas station parking lot we were fighting in and listened to him going on and on with excuse after excuse and I just felt tired.  I watched him for a bit, trying to see the good in him that I was sure once existed, but the cows were more interesting. At least they were honest. I wanted to hate him, but I just felt sad. He wasn’t the person he had sworn he was and I’m just so tired of being so disappointed. My standards really aren’t that high. I need very little.

Rejection doesn’t really bother me. Sometimes things just don’t work out. It’s the lies. The lies bother me. What a waste of energy. How beautifully simple would life be if people could just be honest, especially with themselves? It wasn’t until the drive home that I began to digest the complete utter nonsense that he had been ranting at me. Then I hated him. I won’t get into all of that now, maybe later. It’s really not the point and I’m not sure that he deserves more than just a couple paragraphs in my life story. This was never about him, but how he made me feel. The sad thing is he did some really wonderful things for me that I never really got to tell him about or thank him for and now I never will because he doesn’t deserve credit for the good when it is so out weighed by the bad. You have a choice in life in how you treat others. Everyone messes up. Everyone makes mistakes. But you should always try to make sure the good overshadows the bad. Anyways…

That night I didn’t sleep. The next night I felt like complete garbage but I made myself draw. I’ve had this idea for awhile. I have a lot of ideas, but this one kept coming back and I think that is how you can tell it’s a good one. I was too tired for detailed drawing or any sort of painting and I couldn’t stand the idea of sitting at my computer so I began the first super loose sloppy sketches of this big idea that I had brought to my friend Chrissy Elliot, who is in her own right a talented photographer, so we could collaborate.

I have been longing to collaborate with someone on something for a long time. The business of art can be really lonely. I work alone late at night a lot. If I have a problem it is all mine to figure out. I can ask advice of course from other artists or whatever, but it’s not the same as having someone who is equally invested to turn to. I think it’s the same reason that being single is hard. I have friends in life, but at the end of the day when I go home, I’m in it alone.

Shortly after doing these sloppy sketches I posted one on Instagram and then I texted Chrissy “did you see?!” She liked it as I was texting. We spent the next hour or so excitedly texting back and forth. The ideas were sparking faster than we could type them. It’s a wonderful thing to share that passion and excitement with someone.

As I took a shower that night for the first time in a long long time I felt at peace. No more doubt. I was in love with my idea. I couldn’t wait to get to know it better and watch it grow. I don’t want to get into the details of it yet. I think just like with any relationship when things are this new you have to protect them and keep them safe until they are strong enough to withstand the opinions of the outside world. That might sound silly, but how often have you pitched an idea out into the world just to have some one casually shoot it down. They probably didn’t even mean to. They didn’t see what you saw. Or maybe they weren’t even listening and sometimes that indifference can be just as bad as criticism. So for now just know that something possibly awesome is coming.

 

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